LET ME GO
by XiperGirl
Summary: Silvia has dies in Pepa's arms, on their wedding day... Pepa, months later, is trapped by memories, unable to go over her pelirroja's death, her only love. Everything from Pepa's POV, a completely destroyed Pepa...
1. Chapter 1

- "Let me go… please…"

Silvia once begged me to do it, sitting in front of me. While crying, she was telling me that I was the love of her life, that she believed I was capable of doing anything for her, but she couldn't be with me. But I couldn't. I thought I could do it, that if my pelirroja asked me to do something, I couldn't deny it. But I wasn't able to. I felt lost, torn up inside. Seeing her in the corridors of the office, ignoring me on purpose, knowing both of us were suffering… Giving her furtive looks only to hide my eyes if she turned. Feeling her gazes, because they did exist, burning into my back… Meeting her everyday at work and wanting only to forget everything that happended so I could kiss her as if it were the last minute of our lives… I couldn't, and after lots of tears, everything went back to normal. We made up and we started to truly live our story.

But the mafia crossed our path. The mafia! How absurd! Spain, Madrid, a casual investigation put us in the focus of one of the most powerful mafiosos in the Camorra. It almost makes me laugh, or to want to throw myself from any building and wake up just before hitting the ground just to test my crazy theory that all this is nothing more than a dream. The problem is that I know this is not a dream. I know it because Silvia died in my arms, only a few hours after we had joined our lives forever. "Till death do us part"… It was too soon. And I became very much like a walking corpse.

- "Let me go… please…"  
Those words burned me every second. Silvia had gone for good. But months later, I still couldn't do it. I wasn't able to accept that she was gone. And I never would…

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

That song resounded in my head, again and again. "My Immortal", which couldn't better reflect what I was feeling inside. I hated the "Gordo" because he had seized the first and only thing I had loved in my life; the only beautiful and pure thing that had come into my messy life… But I also hated Silvia, my sweet pelirroja, for leaving me that way. And I hated myself for thinking and feeling that. Because I wasn't able to let her go, once and for all… I suppose she wouldn't like to see me this way, realizing what I have become, but rage, pain and a blind desire for revenge blotted out the best in me. I knew it, but I couldn't and didn't want to do anything to avoid it. I was living in the past, surviving thanks to the memories and feelings of my life with her…

…  
- Pepa, what are you doing? – Silvia laughed, amused but also frightened.

The euforia of the moment - slightly drunk and high, the sense of something forbidden - lead me to do it. I didn't think twice. She was talking to me and I was only able to look at her lips, longing to kiss them, longing to feel her close. And I did it. I kissed her. A quick peck, but an impulsive one. Silvia was shocked. I didn't answer her question, but I realized that I may have risked too much. Silvia wasn't like me. I was already sure that I liked girls and the last thing I would have expected was to fall deeply in love with my best friend. But I couldn't avoid it. After the initial shock, I was surprised when Silvia returned my kiss. I could only feel, there was no space for thoughts. Her mouth was softer than I could have ever imagined. The sensation of her tongue tangled with mine electrified me and took my breath away. I didn't want that kiss to end, ever. But don Lorenzo's voice brought us back to our harsh reality. It was 2000 and we were at Sarita's Holy Communion. And what had just begun seemed to also finish right there…

Let Me Go - Chapter - 2 -


	2. Chapter 2

II.

I smiled weakly. I couldn't avoid smiling whenever I thought about our first kiss. Silvia had frozen after my impulse, but not any more so than I finally did when I felt her responding to my kiss. But everything ended in disaster. Don Lorenzo didn't allow our story to begin there. I was sent away to study and that turned me into the crazy, independent and detached Pepa Miranda. But I could never forget Silvia. My thoughts didn't cause me to suffer though. I just remembered her with tenderness, as "mi pelirroja", as a breath of fresh air in my life, every time I thought of her. Nevertheless, I used to look for her in all the girls who crossed through my disordered life. But it didn't hurt. Not like now. Thinking about her now burns me up inside, it sucks the air out of me, it hurts so much that I don't think I can stand it for much longer…

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
_

More than six months have passed. And nothing changes. The pain doesn't disappear, it's not even reduced. I dream of her, asleep and awake. I look for her in every laugh I hear, in every redhead I see. In every single breeze that caresses me as softly as she used to do. I stopped being Pepa Miranda to become a shadow, a soul wandering a life in hell. I put everyone aside in my life to stop them from trying to break my irremediable fall. I don't want them to protect me, to comfort me. I left the police to shut myself in what would have been our home, where her ghost could visit me without suffering. I was becoming crazy. The worst thing is that I was aware of it and I didn't want to do anything to stop it. Everyday I relive the moments we had together, all of them, including her death. And her last look, telling me once more "Let me go…"… and I would only let her go for a while, when the alcoholic mists would envelop me, transporting me to the past, over and over again**…**

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

…

- Well, give me two kisses. – Silvia said, smiling.

Here she was again, in front of me, and I almost couldn't resist the same impulse which made me kiss her under the table so many years ago. I'd just arrived in San Antonio and, suddenly, I realized that what I had been unconsciously wishing for was to see her again. For those two days, I'd been yearning for that moment of seeing Silvia. Meeting her in the shooting room left me breathless. God! She was… simply… a goddess! There was no better way to describe her. Clumsy and nervous, as If I were a teenager, I almost gave her a peck on the lips and just the closeness of her red lips made my knees weak.

And then I came to a revelation: I would either leave San Antonio again or I could stay by her side knowing that she's not mine. A part of Pepa Miranda as the world knew her stopped existing for good then, and I decided that I had to conquer my pelirroja's heart any way I could. Deep down, I hated her because she forced me admit to myself that she was the only one capable of leaving me helpless with something so innocent as a smile.

While we embraced, the world seemed to stop. I felt as if my heart was going to pound out of my chest. What I still didn't know at the time was that hers felt the same… she only confessed this to me months later…

…


End file.
